The Blind And The Toothless

By Michael English

Summary:             Once a cycle of violence begins, it is hard to stop.  This piece of slapstick shows what happens if the escalation isnt stopped.

Bible Reference:    Matthew 5:38-42; Matthew 26:52

Characters:           Napoleon, a French General; Montague an English Lord; and Kathy, their mother.  Napoleon and Montague should be played as far over the top as possible.

Props:                        A table and two armies, each of 21 plastic soldiers

Setting:                 Any.  We have done this as street theatre.  We have also done a version with Napoleon and Gordon, a Scotsman complete with kilt.  Of course the script was a bit different&

(Napoleon and Montague enter carrying a low table.  Silently they place the table in the centre of the stage and each begins to set up his army.  They have 21 plastic soldiers each, which they stand up ready for battle.)


Napoleon:       (in a bad French accent) Behold!  La Armee du Nord.  Pride of the French Armies.


Montague:     (in a bad upper class English accent) Behold!  My brave retainers.  We are more than a match for you Frenchies.


Napoleon:       Hah! I laugh at you.  English rif-raff.  We have superior french cunning.  It is you who will lose and have to eat slices of humble boueff bourguignon.


Montague:     What of your cunning?  We have breeding and cold baths.  One went to Eton don't you know!


Napoleon:       Hah! Public school nancy boys.  I knock over one of your peasants.


(Napoleon knocks over a soldier with his finger)


Montague:     You cad, sir!  For every true born Englishman down, two Frenchmen will fall.


(Montague knocks over two of Napoleon's soldiers)


Napoleon:       So that's the way its going to be, is it?  This time it's four!


(Napoleon knocks over four soldiers)


Montague:     I say, that's not cricket.  Take that Frenchie!  Eight!


(He knocks over eight more French soldiers)


Napoleon:       Sixteen!


(He knocks over sixteen English soldiers - all the remainder)


Montague:     Thirty-two!


Napoleon:       Hah!  You are outwitted my fine English friend.  There are only eleven left!


Montague:     So?


(Montague scatters the remaining soldiers)


Montague:     I'll poke you in the eye instead.


(He does this.  Napoleon holds his eye.)


Napoleon:       Then I will poke you in both eyes!


Montague:     And I will poke you in both eyes and knock out your teeth


Napoleon:       And I will knock out your teeth and....


Kathy:            STOP IT BOTH OF YOU!  This is silly.  You will both end up dead.  He who lives by the sword will die by the sword.


This script is Copyright 2003 Michael English, All Saints Milton. Permission is given to use this drama in non-profit making church events provided the source is acknowledged. Some editing may be required to suit local conditions. Please let us know if you have any comments.

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